Nintendo World - November 25th

So, I didn't go to the Tokyo Game Show a few weeks ago for two (maybe three) reasons.

One: I'm not a gamer. Well, not really. The only console I own is a Super Nintendo I bought in a fit of nostalgia, just so I could play Super Mario. And Mortal Kombat. I used to have a pretty unhealthy addiction to computer games, but I finally put down the Steyr Scout last year. I've just never been crazy for consoles.

Two: I don't really like the gamer crowd. I have individual friends and even family members who are gamers, and they are perfectly agreeable human beings. I treasure their friendship (and in the case of family members, their matching blood types and organs that come in pairs) But if you gather gamers into a crowd, things turn ugly. Real ugly. My disdain for fanboys and girls knows no bounds; just because a company does good by their demographic and puts out a decent product, that doesn't give them carte blanche to churn out piles of shit and take advantage of their fanbase. If a company puts out a good product that I'm able to enjoy, great. If they're going to dump incompleted projects on the market and laugh as their customers flounder in confusion and dissatisfaction, then I'm looking elsewhere for entertainment. Just because the Playstation 2 was a decent console in its day (and still is) doesn't make the PSP any less of a piece of crap, and doesn't guarantee that the PS3 will be any better. I like the concepts, but the execution is sloppy and disappointing. This doesn't just apply to gaming, but practically every market. Any diehard fan who looks at the brand over the product itself is a fool. I used to hate pretty much all things Apple, until they released OSX. I no longer think they all belong in the garbage heap, and although I think Steve Jobs is still a miserable human being, he knows his audience well.

Three: Although they probably are considered to be a part of the "fanboy" crowd, cosplayers deserve their own section. This is a difficult subject to write about, because I have friends who have committed this sin, but there's just something sad about dressing up in broad daylight on days that don't end in "Halloween." It's not so much the act of cosplay that offends me, but rather the general notion of nerds trying to rape my eyes by forcing their fantasy world upon me. You are not your favorite game/manga/anime character. Dressing up like them does not make you cooler; in fact, it makes them LESS cool. You are squatting upon their image and smothering it between your unathletic ass-cheeks. Please, stop. The few people who do a good job at reproducing the look of their characters (or those that do a bad job on purpose for laughs) do not redeem the scores of people who take their twisted obsessions seriously. Like a trainwreck, I am simultaneously mesmerized and disgusted. It's a sick world.

So, when Hans told me about the upcoming Nintendo World, dedicated solely to showcasing the Wii (and a few DS titles for which I care not), I wasn't sure how to feel. The concept for the console is deceptively simple, but hidden behind the facade is a sinister paradigm shift that threatens to change the way we look at games. For Nintendo's target gamer isn't just the pasty-faced masses snorting and salivating over the latest Zelda, or Pokemon title, it's everyone. You, me, your kid sister, your parents, your grandparents, your baby's daddy, your Senator. Anyone can play, and everyone should. World domination. I'm impressed, but scared. What if I'm sucked into the void and find myself actually wanting one of my own? Besides, who wants to wait 45 minutes in line to make a fool of myself playing Warioware? I shouldn't go. I mustn't go. I won't go! Then Hans told me it was free.

So on the way to Nintendo World, we met up with Katy and Jon. We got to the convention center and were given grab bags and lottery numbers with which we might win our very own Wiis. Ushered into the main auditorium, there was a large gate with the Wii logo leading into the exhibition area. It seems that Nintendo is taking their cues from Apple, focusing on a simple, minimalist design. Doesn't quite nail the same effect, but it does a better job than Microsoft. Whee.

The crowd was surprisingly tame and diversified, reflecting the target audience for the console. Whole families waited in line, chatting and playing with their Nintendo DS's. A few foreigners peppered the crowd with their blond or red tufts of hair. I waited in line for boxing with the others. A lone man in line was playing with his PSP, but I couldn't get a clear photo of him. The boxing game was alright, but I wasn't terribly impressed with the response of the controllers. I would later be told that this is the least responsive game, and that the others are much better, but I have yet to find this out for myself. Scouring the crowd for games that we actually wanted to play and didn't involve a long wait, we settled into the Mario Party line. This was actually much more enjoyable; I could see myself having fun at a real party playing Mario Party. As you can see, Hans was excited to the point of nerdification.

Katy and I had yet to eat, and decided to take a break from waiting in line to grab some food. Hans and Jon went off to join lines for games that I had no interest in, so it turned out well. At that point we saw Claire in the Zelda line. Katy had mentioned that Claire had talked about coming, and mercifully, didn't know that we would be there. She was busily gnawing at the ear of the poor Japanese guy who had the misfortune of standing next to her in line. The estimated wait for Zelda was a couple hours. I wondered if he brought a rope long enough to hang himself from the rafters.

We went to a local cafe and had sandwiches, then a conbini for more filling fare. Returning about an hour or so later, we saw that the Zelda line had barely moved, and Claire was still chatting up her newfound best friend. His eyes had glazed over and rolled into the back of his head. Slowly, very slowly, like two unhurried compass needles, the feet turned towards the right; north, north-east, east, south-east, south, south-south-west; then paused, and, after a few seconds, turned as unhurriedly back towards the left. South-south-west, south, south-east, east. I later heard that she waited over three hours to play the game. If the family of that young man ever finds this blog, you have my condolences.

There was one guy dressed up as Mario. I did not feel the need to projectile vomit all over Hans mainly because he was the ONLY guy there dressed up like that. He was just wandering around, eating snacks and looking at the games, with a small group of friends (who were dressed normally). There were no hordes of people following him and asking him what part of his body he shaved to make the moustache, and no attention whores dressed up as other characters. He seemed pretty laid back, as if he didn't even realize he was wearing overalls and a red cap. This guy may get no points for dressing up like Mario, but I'll admit that he at least did a decent job.

We wandered around a bit more and tried out Warioware, which was surprisingly fun, especially with our own "booth babe" there cheering us on. Another great party game, although I saw it almost more as a showcase of what can be done with the wiimote than anything else. Finally, on our way out, we stopped at the almost vacant "Mii" exhibit, where we could make our own character. We decided to make a Claire. This was surprisingly fun as well; we had the booth babe laughing out loud as we said things like "make the mouth bigger!" and "can't you make them any taller?"

In all, the Wii definately has a lot of promise. The concept is solid, and if the online features and legacy support really work as promised, I think Nintendo has a winner on their hands. There's a lot of fun to be had. I might not buy them, but I'm looking forward to going over to my friends' places and playing with theirs, if they'll still let me past the door after all that talk about fanboys and cosplayers... Just kidding, guys!